revisiting the pensieve...

1) This morning, I've already received four text messages. The first was from my mom, telling me to be Nuel's supervisor since she won't be around to help him in his PACES. The second was from Matthew with a morning greeting, the third from Krichelle also with a morning greeting. Just as I was starting this entry, Erica also sent me a morning greeting. Will it be a good day? I hope so. Will it be a God day? Definitely...

2) Except for a quick trip to La Salle last Monday to get my yearbook, I've spent the entire two weeks at home. Well, I'm not exactly bumming (I just got a text message from Jade, so let's make it five text messages this morning). I've managed to do a bit of productive stuff over the last few days--I finished a book, which is something I haven't accomplished since reading Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, and I'm creating a literary archive for all my works. Over the next few days, I'll be writing (or attempting to write) a children's story for Salanga...

3) Last week I got to read the story of Brother Yun and the Chinese Christian persecution that goes on in China. Right after reading it, I came down with a really bad cold and cough. As if that wasn't enough, I also came down with a 72-hour fever. But I'm not pissed off that I got sick. Quite the contrary. I guess I'm pretty thankful that God allowed it. Last week was definitely a learning experience for me, and God spoke to me several times about some things which I won't disclose anymore. It does lead me to talk to a certain someone though...

4) The Sunday School class has gotten a lot bigger, and I always feel so helpless whenever I enter the room and face the din of their little voices. They're so small also, so the chances of me tripping over them and falling is extremely high. I'm pretty amazed how Steph is able to handle them so well. Just goes to show that handling high school is so different compared to handling kids 6-8 years old...

5) Would it be normal if I said I kinda miss school already? Probably. I've grown so accustomed to just sitting in the classroom and listening to the professor lecture for the past three years that breaking the usual routine seems to be very strange for me. Yes, I actually miss the classroom. I miss watching the professor write on the blackboard as he/she writes a couple of unlegible words. I miss the usual five-minute notebook scans before the professor shouts out, "Take out a half-sheet of paper." Okay, you people might probably want to crack my head open since you're all still experiencing this while I'm doing nothing at all. Forgive me, but the classroom happens to be my element. I'm an education major after all...

6) I love singing. Yes, I definitely do. During a not-too-recent chat session, I told a friend of mine, "I wish I knew how to play an instrument, but my hands are just clumsy to handle any right." She, on the other hand, said, "At least you can sing! Geez! I can't even sing to save my own life!" I think she emphasized that point three more times when we chatted. Just goes to show that we really are called to do different things in life. We all have different skills that are specifically picked out by God for us and we just have to be extremely grateful and thankful to God for them. Such skills can immediately be taken away. Believe me, the last thing I want is for me to end up like Julie Andrews...

7) Still waiting to move to BF Homes. We're not yet done paying the full amount, but I'm really praying that we'll move into the house by mid-October...

8) Somehow, I've still managed to write up a song lineup without re-using any songs from my old lineups. Yes, it's a silly thing for me to keep track off, but I'm still proud I'm able to pull it off until now. This Saturday will be my 6th time to lead praise and worship...

9) I wonder how Ivy's doing. Maybe I should drop by La Salle and give her a visit...

10) Ever know the feeling that you did something you regret doing and don't know anymore how to resume your life now that it's done? I do. I wish I could occupy my thoughts with something else...

11) No more text messages...and no more load...

wow mali...

Sa entry na ito, nag-desisyon akong gumamit ng wikang Pilipino imbes na yung wikang Inggles. Bakit kamo? Wala lang. Trip ko. Iniisip ko lang na kailangan ko ding mag-ensayo sa paggamit ng Pilipino para hindi naman ako magmumukhang tanga pag kinakausap ako ng mga tao.

Napansin ko lang na nawa-wow mali na ako! Nakakapikon na 'to. Nakakairita. Parang lahat ng ginagawa ko, mali. Parang bawa't kilos at pananalita ko, hindi siya tama. Hindi naman sinasabi ng mga tao sa akin, pero yun yung nararamdaman ko e. Laging may mali akong ginagawa. Gets nyo ba? Naku, 'wag na lang. Basta, ang sama ng loob ko. Ang hirap paliwanagin ang nararamdaman ko e. Ang gulo e! Kung gagamitin ko yung wikang Inggles, sasabihin ko lang na parang sobrang "erratic" ng pakiramdam ko. Minsan, ayos lang ako. Minsan, nalulungkot ako. Minsan, manhid ako. O diba? Oo, alam ko na "moody akong tao" pero...pwede ba...masyadong matagal na ata yung pagiging moody ko ngayon ah. Masyadong marami akong iniisip e. Haaaaay! Kung pwede lang sanang ilabas lahat ng nasa loob-looban ko. Gusto nyong malaman yung totoo? Gusto kong umiyak. Oo. Sobra. Kasi napansin ko na na naiipon lahat ng masamang bagay na nararamdaman ko 'tong mga nakaraang buwan. Gusto ko na 'tong palabasin. Pero di ako marunong umiyak na basta-basta lang. Bihira nalang kung sobra-sobra-sobrang lungkot ko na. Pero sa ngayon...di pa.

Ironic ba? Pag-tinignan mo yung mga ibang blog entries ko, parang sobrang tuwa ko ano? Pagbinabasa mo yung blog, akala mo isa akong tao na walang problema. Haha! Kung pwede lang sana. Pero hindi. May problema din ako. Sino bang walang problema diyan? Magpalit muna tayo ng buhay! Kahit isang araw lang para maramdaman ko naman uli yung tuwa na naramdaman ko nung summer. Iba na kasi e. Okay pa nung bumalik ako sa eskwela e. Happy pa ako nun. Eh ayun. Papatong-patong na bigla yung mga problema at biglang nalunod ako! Ayus ba?

Alam naman ng Diyos kung anu-ano yung dinadaanan ko e. Mas-gets pa Nya kaysa sa akin, kasi hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako sigurado kung ano ba talaga ang dahilan kung bakit ganito lagi ako. Alam ko may mga aspeto sa buhay ko na kailangan ding baguhin. Pero iniisip ko kung 'yun lang yung kailangan gawin e. Naguguluhan na talaga ako!

May tiwala pa rin ako sa Diyos. Alam ko hindi niya ako iiwan. Masyado na kasi Siyang ginawa sa buhay ko na hindi ko pwede sabihin na wala akong silbi sa Kanya, kasi alam ko gagamitin Niya ako bilang isang instrumento niya. Gusto ko lang...matapos na 'to...

my thirteenth entry...

People must think one's marriage is some kind of raffle coupon which is only good for a certain period of time. Hello? I thought it was: "Till death do we part?" Nope, apparently not. Society has changed it into:

"Marriage with (indicate name here) will be valid for two years. Succeeding years will be anulled for future opportunities with other partners. Thank you. Signed: (your name here)."

Right...you must be intrigued to know why I suddenly pop out after several days and this is the first thing I talk about. My morning was greeted today by a news article of the annulment of Willie Revillame. Great! Not that I care much about the guy, but I pity his kid so much. Here's another one growing up in a broken home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Welcome to the ME, MYSELF, and I Generation, ladies and gentlemen. It is the generation marked by thinking of only oneself--what I need, what I want, and what should benefit me. Never mind the others who might be so severely affected by the decisions that I make in life. Never mind the friendships that I'd put on the line because of envy and pride. Forget what God wants. IT'S ALL ABOUT ME!

Or is it?

My kid brother Nuel reminded me of a scene from Clue, which is based from the very popular murder-mystery board game. In the movie, one of the suspects named Mrs. White was asked, "How many husbands have you had?" Mrs. White answered, "5." (Wow, a modern-day Samaritan woman at the well, isn't she?) Then, she said something that struck me so funny: "Husbands should be like Kleenex--soft, strong, and disposable." Disposable? Given that this movie is a murder-mystery, the word "disposable" obviously connoted that Mrs. White killed every single husband that she had. Talk about her regard for the importance of human life. It's no wonder then that, for the whole movie, she looked like she was dressed for a funeral. What's my point? Well, I doubt that most of us would go so far as to marry five spouses and then murder them one-by-one. The point I'm driving at is that God has given us so much already--our families, our friends, our talents, skills, and gifts--and when we think only about ourselves, it's like we've made his blessings for us "disposable." Bali wala rin ba yung mga bagay na binibigay ng Diyos sa atin? Baka iniisip natin na okay lang sayangin yung mga binigay Niya sa atin. Akala natin na madaling mabawi yung mga bagay na ganito, pero hindi e. Andaming mawawala sa atin kung puro tayo-tayo lang ang iniisip natin. Family should not be treated as something disposable. Nor friends. Nor our skills or talents. The Lord's given them to us. Let's not let them rot in our possession while we're in search of what we perceive as bigger and better things.

"It's all about me." It's amazing that every time I'd think that way, God would have enough patience not to drop some kind of meteorite on me and wipe me off the face of the earth. He'd have every right to. I'm going to admit it right now. I'm not the most humble person you'd meet. And if you'd have emotional x-ray glasses with you, you'd see that I easily get jealous or envious. I'll admit it. It's one of my biggest struggles in life. It's really just a good thing God's just been so gracious to me and has been reminding me gently (by gently, I mean not severely painful but there was pain nonetheless) that it's not about me. In truth, it never has been about me. It's always been about Him. That's what I'm here for, aren't I? To serve Him. To make people see His glory in my life. It's not about me, Lord. It's all about You.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The Lord revealed something pretty interesting to me these past few days. It was when I was reflecting on the many different times that I badly wanted things, but I ended up not getting them. The thing is, these opportunities that I lost were all one-shot-deals. These were opportunities that will never come back again, and I did not deny my frustrations. The Lord knew my heart. And He told me: "It's not about what you want, but what you are destined for." Whoa! And it's true, I realized. Things that I never expected the Lord to bring out from my life just came out and I have definitely benefited from them. I wanted one thing...He ended up giving something else of more value. Thank you Lord! =)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am graduating. It's amazing how fast time flies. It was May 2003 when I flashed my EAF at the guard in southgate. I can still remember the clothes I was wearing then. Blue T-shirt, khaki pants, and rubber shoes. Haha! Gosh...I can't believe that time has really gone that fast. I entered DLSU with no knowledge whatsoever about teaching strategies, about foundations of education, about the inner and outer circles of linguistics, about Noam Chomsky, about parsing, etc. Now, I'm leaving the place with an overload of information, two terms of teaching experience, a thesis that speaks of God's goodness, and a whole bunch of friends who have just made my life great while in campus. Yes, college life was hard, but I won't deny that it was fun!