under the magnifying glass

watch me as i journey to another time and place...

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I'm saved by grace. I have nothing to boast except for the fact that I have the greatest Being on my side.

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

life is bittersweet...

It's finals week. In just a few more days, I'll be officially saying good-bye to my undergraduate life. Sometimes, I feel that I don't deserve to graduate yet, probably because my degree program (Bachelor of Secondary Education, Major in English) is only three years long. Well, it's not my fault that La Salle's got a trimestral system. Haha! In other unversities, I would have had to stay a full four years. I already got my course card for ARTAPRE (2.0! How humiliating!), and so I'll only have to get four more cards on August 31.


I went to U.P. Diliman yesterday and spent the afternoon and early evening with Arneil, Lakan, and Nikki. I enjoyed the time I spent with them. It was especially great to see Nikki again after more than two years. It's just so funny to think that, of all the places we could have met, we decided to do it all the way in Quezon City. However, walking around U.P. campus at 6:00 in the evening was a rather refreshing experience, and it was quite enjoyable to just walk around, cross small streams of water, and talk about anything under the sun. I remember telling Lakan how big a difference it was from walking along Taft Avenue.

Arneil and I rode back with Nikki, and she dropped us off at Ayala. While we were still in the car, we got into a really neat and interesting conversation about what it means to really wait on God's timing for everything. We talked about relationships, about maturity, about prayer, and about religion. I found it so surprising that we were already talking about these things. Back in high school, the three of us had a wacky world of our own where our problems revolved mostly around annoying classmates, nagging teachers, and insane PACE work. In just three years, as I thought about our conversation, I can definitely say we grew up. Yes, we still talk about the crazy times and about the crazy worlds we invented. But now, there's definitely a sense of maturity in all three of us. Amazing how quickly that happens.
I am looking forward to spending my time with them again. I doubt it'll be in U.P. though. We decided to meet somewhere in the middle instead. Glorietta? Hehe!


I haven't been feeling so good lately. No, I'm not sick. I'm just...glum. I guess life's just started to become a bit of a drag for me nowadays. I guess I know now the difference between happiness and joy. I can show the former, but I seem to be lacking the latter lately. Why? Truth be told, I don't know. I just know my spiritual life's slowly drying up again, past sins are catching up with me again, and I really just feel that my life is losing its worth. I believe in God's grace. I know that He's there for me. I know He's not the type Who abandons you when you so desperately need Him. But then again, why do I feel that He and I are on opposite sides of the fence? Repeating the line that "God is with me." just doesn't seem to be enough anymore. Where's the joy, Lord?

Saturday, August 05, 2006

cold turkey...

Cold turkey (n.)-
Immediate, complete withdrawal from something on which one has become dependent, such as an addictive drug (taken from dictionary.com)

Setting: Empty room with a glass mirror. Dimly lit. White walls.
Characters: Robbie (20 years old)
Interrogator (Male voice)

It is around 6:00 in the evening. Rob is seated behind a small metal table. He faces a glass mirror. He can't see who is behind it. He can only see a reflection of himself. He is smiling. Happy. But he can't help but feel nervous about something.

Interrogator: Robbie?

Robbie looks around, looking for the source of the voice. He sees an intercom in the upper right corner of the room.

Interrogator: You can just talk, Robbie. I'll be able to hear you.

Robbie: Yeah, it's me.

Interrogator: Know why you're here?

Robbie: Does it have something to do with my addiction?

Interrogator: Perhaps...perhaps.

Robbie: What do you need to know? I've been clean for three months.

Interrogator: Yes, but you've been thinking about doing it again, haven't you?

Robbie: So what if I have? It's not like I've done it.

Interrogator: Entertaining the thought would just make it worse. You know that.

Robbie: I don't entertain it! It just...well, it just comes out sometimes. But I try to fight it back! I really do!

Interrogator: Do you? Do you really?

Robbie: Yes, I do. So you can just piss off.

Interrogator: Okay. But trust me. You'll be back here. And you won't be as confident as before.

A month passes. Robbie finds himself in the same room, staring at the same glass mirror. He is still smiling, but concern seems to have crossed his face.

Interrogator: Struggling?

Robbie: You wish.

Interrogator: I can see right through you, kid.

Robbie: Well, the temptation came right to me. It was there. But I pushed it away...

Interrogator: Didn't want to get a taste of something you've been missing for so long?

Robbie: No! I've got a lot of people who've started to trust me again. They're one of the reasons why I can't lose to this. I can't let them down.

Interrogator: I see.

Robbie: You should see.

Interrogator: Maybe I should warn you right now that you're fighting a losing battle...

Robbie: No! I'm not! I'm winning it right now.

Interrogator: You'll fall. Believe me. When you come back here, you'll see what I mean.

Robbie: You're nuts.

Interrogator: No. I just know.

Another month passes. Robbie's not smiling anymore. In fact, he looks tired. He has a smile, but it does not convince anyone.

Interrogator: I think you're here to tell me that I was right.

Robbie's smile vanishes. He lowers his head. He feels guility.

Interrogator: I was surprised by how long your resistance was. Your past experiences would last...what? A couple of weeks at most. But this...pretty long. You should be proud.

Robbie: Shut up! There's nothing to be proud of. I gave in.

Interrogator: Yes, sadly. Well, the joke's on you boy. I'm not the one suffering. You are. Just wait till the Judge hears about this. Oh, you are in so much trouble.

Robbie: I know the Judge and He's always helped me out. He's not a tyrant like you always make Him out to be.

Interrogator: Nevertheless, you've broken His trust on you...again! And again! And again! Yes, I know that you don't mean to. But hey! It's human nature. You're here to disappoint others. There's no pleasing anyone. Not even yourself.

Robbie: You are sick!

Interrogator: So are you, kid! Ha! Well, you can rot in here while I tell the Judge...again! Gosh. You are such a loser! Ha! You'll probably be given a second chance again, but how long are you going to pull that off this time?

Robbie: (sighs) I don't know.
~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

When your past seems to catch up with you all over again, you can't help but feel if it's even possible to just throw it away for good.